the paradox that's called.life

There are some weird instances one faces in life...moments which seem incomprehensible and more baffling by the moment.moments which make u feel with an intensity u never thought yourself capable of otherwise.life seems pretty ordinary otherwise.but these instances leave u with a lingering sensation,nothing lasts of it except the way u felt it..each time u feel on a new high,even better than before..amazing to see that u defy ur own benchmark every single time and reach another great height much higher than before(only sometimes u wish u wouldn't,things would be a lot easier then)
it's a bright sunny noon on a sunday..everyone is fast asleep except a six year old waiting eagerly..those curious eyes alert and rapt with attention eagerly noticing any movement possible.. suddenly there is a distant sound of wheels on the street which is growing steadily.. nothing unusual to anyone else.. but she knows better,after all its the sound she could recognise even in the middle of her sleep..her pulse quickens at the thought.. she rushes upstairs shaking her poor mom rudely awake demanding for a rupee. a rupee yes,that was all it costed..her happiness..a rupee for those few moments when the uncle hoisted her on a seat andgave her a spin ("merry go round" he called it)..those few moments when life felt more beautiful than it ever did..it was probably the spinning that did funny things to her head..she felt a kind of joy,no ecstacy was more like it.. actually none of these words seem appropriate enough to describe what she actually felt.. words after all do not offer such superlatives..
it's almost the middle of the night and yet she wouldn't fall asleep..rather she prevented..not that she was less tired,but the thought of fatigue and physical exertion seemed more welcome compared to what would follow next..as always the conflict and the fight she put up with herself made her tired in a way she could never have conceived otherwise andagainst her wish she dozed off..and it came again,it was almost like the thing inside her was aching to start ,waiting for those shutters of the eyes to go down..
it's dark and gloomy and she was running out in the middle of nowhere,why?she didn't know..where to?not a clue in the world but she knewthis much for sure something terrible would happen if she stopped running so on and on she went..suddenly there was a room,she saw faces there..a scream rose to her throat and died there..there was something very weird to those faces they were.....almost not human..but she couldn't stop there so she ran on and on..each time she saw something infintely more worse.. suddenly she had reached the edge of a cliff and before she realised it she was falling..slowly and steadily..and then she landed with a dull thud on something..what was it?her cot...eyes flew open and she realised she must've dozed off..now sweating all over again she woke up tryin to calm down..nothing happened..nothin except that a lump rose in her throat..the dread that filled her was invincible.strange how powerful fear can be.."it was just a dream,nothing else..it meant nothing.",she kept telling herself but then why did it seem so real??took her weeks sometimes to regain her composure...
each day she met different people silently envying them ..they seemed so lucky to her..they always did.. she was always told"look around you,observe how much misery ppl are suffering and be glad u aren't sharing it".. how could they??just how could they?to each his problem is his own and the toughest thing in the world..there could be a million odd perceptions to a same problems..will u say to a kid who is scared of huge loking ppl that there are bigger problems out there??and his problem is silly at the outset itself??its absolutely alright if u are at a loss of what to say..no problem..u need not always have to say something..atleast don't humiliate someone like this!!!
weird,strange logic man...and people are consoled by it!!(still worse)

"life it seems is not without a strange sense of irony" someone said very rightly so...how else can explain the irony that the same person can explain such extremes?
(no prizes for guessing who it was)

hypocrite's oath

The Hypocrite's Oath
It's strange the way my mind came up with this interpretation of the above famous title..Even stranger because i wasn't thinking consciously..Seems like my sub conscious mind is a hell lot more
creative than i estimated.....
"I promise to abide by each and every rule of being a perfect hypocrite all my life.To speak anything but the truth,to never make people show what they actually are and to be a s****r my entire life.To leave all sanity,logic and sense and reasoning back at home and never ever to appear knowledgable on any one of the above even if somehow i am found gulity to possess them..." "I promise to always BE THERE for people with the whole and sole and full awareness that it makes whatsoever no difference to them if it's me,or someone else or another third person present there to comfort them.To confide into them fully knowing them and also knowing that they shall store it in the rot of their brain to use it against me someday(how true and so right were when u said it).""I promise to stick by them with the full awareness that i am only a matter of conveninece to them,however if i dare to behave the same way i am a traitor,a blot on the name of friendship and so many unspeakable names"......
This in essence is what the hypocrite's oath must be...Since it is a "hypocrite's" oath in the truest sense.But perhaps this is where the denial aspect comes into picture..The worst form of denial..To be all this and more and be hypcritcal over it too!!Jesus!how much can one lie??Even ur existance is one big farce...Not that i need to justify one bit about all what i've said but this much i'd like to add,make no mistake of assuming this is some frustuated loser psycho whohas created a "space" for herself to vent out her deepest frustuation.At the cost of sounding naive i'll say this i've long ago stopped thequest of searching for the good in every human i meet..No sir,i'm not that great.. It is a kind of greatness which i cannot conceive of..I'm not saying i'm the superlative picture perfect human who is too good for this "big bad world"..no,that's not what i say..I'm as much guilty as they are perhaps more,but in a different sort of a way,atleast i do not pretend to be otherwise...And that is one thing which gives me all the comfort in the world..